[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Happy thanksgiving
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind