[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You got this…
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
eggs benadryl
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples