[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.