[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences