[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
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Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.