[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
S/o to @funTweeters .
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.