Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name