[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.