[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?