[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩