[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
FINE, I WON’T.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.