I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
You Might Also Like
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”