[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Not today. 😅
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.