[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
You Might Also Like
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
San Francisco has too many rules
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Brilliant!
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…