[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY