[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.