[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
You Might Also Like
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
hmm conte-me mais
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no