[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.