[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Yet the one time I did, I got banned