[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
You Might Also Like
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.