[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Phonetics
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables