[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
You Might Also Like
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
? 💀
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…