[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement