[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I feel seen
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦