[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
my one true gender
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME