[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
just left a huge legacy in there
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”