[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations