[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
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“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I know
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can