[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
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[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod