[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
You Might Also Like
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.