Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor