[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
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nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Don’t touch that.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“our sushi is very fresh”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…