[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle