[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes