[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
You Might Also Like
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
December birthdays be like…