[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
You Might Also Like
Chicken bread
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I triple waxed for this?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting