[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.