[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD