[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.