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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on