[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos