[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
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DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.