Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]