[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
💯😂
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.