[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
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Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My favorite farside!!
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
smh
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators