[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
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Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.