*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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Expect the unexporcupine.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄