Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?