@shutupmikeginn: Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
@Alex_N_Chains: Clean tweeting is liberating. You don't need profanity to make a point. Look: Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.