“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.