Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I don’t know what to do
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…