Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.